spoke too soon...

Considering my last posting: it turns out there's a low-tech solution to the "short people cannot drive this lawn mower" dilemma. By removing the springs under the lawn mower seat, we can trick the seat sensor to think someone is always sitting on the seat. Thus, I'm now able to use the lawn mower without a problem. Without seat springs, the ride isn't exactly comfortable. But if it eliminates the need for litigation, then I'm all for it!

of lawn tractors and legal liabilities

Warmer weather has, for millenia, been linked to the start of new life. My brother and his wife, for instance, bought a unruly cute little puppy-wuppy, yes they did. Scientists have found a link between warm (but not hot) weather and higher rates of human conception. But if you ask local landowners what warmer weather truly heralds, the answer will be unanimous: the need to mow your lawn. Theorize all you want about lawns being an uniquely American obsession, but theories won't stop the grass from growing.

When your lawn is only a few dozen square feet, maintenance is not such a big deal. Most of my previous landlords could, with a weed whacker, have the lawn cut in under ten minutes. My father's lawn, however, is over 150 thousand square feet (or almost four acres). For the past twenty years, he's used the same small riding mower to cut the lawn. Even with that riding mower, it takes at least six hours to mow the lawn once. So when the mower finally 'gave up the ghost' this past autumn, my father decided that we would start mowing this spring with a brand-new lawn tractor.

My father was fairly open-minded on what type of lawn tractor to buy. His chief criterion: "So long as it has a large mowing deck." Sure enough, he found a mower with a 54" deck for $2,600. Once he selected the model, he then asked me to check the 'Net for any reviews. The only review that I could find criticized his intended mower as being "difficult for small people to use". When we headed to the tractor store, and I sat on the seat, that criticism didn't seem like a big deal. Sure, I had to move the seat all the way forward and sit only on the front half of the seat in order to reach the pedals. But hey, this lawn tractor has lots of new-fangled conveniences, like a cupholder, two armrests, and a gas gauge. And those amenities are worth a slightly less comfortable ride, right?

A couple weeks after the purchase, I finally got the chance to try out the new lawn mower. I turned the key, pulled the lever to turn on the mowing blades, shifted to reverse gear, released the clutch... only for the engine to shut itself off. A second attempt, this time in forward gear, also saw the engine shut itself off. When the blades were off, the engine stayed on. And this doesn't happen when other people use the blades. So what's the problem?

The problem is this: some lawyer is worried that a driver somewhere may fall off their fancy lawn tractor and somehow land into the path of the lawn tractor. Then, instead of getting out of the way of said lawn tractor, this person will even more improbably lay there while the lawn tractor runs them over and then cuts them up. (As if the blades would be set to cut that close to the ground!) To mitigate any legal liabilities that would result from such an unlikely accident, my father's lawn tractor is designed to have its blades shut off whenever it senses a person is no longer sitting on the seat. Just one flaw: if a rider is not sitting all the way back on the seat, the seat sensor thinks no one is on the seat. Thus, the blades automatically shut off whenever I try to run the mower.

I've mentioned before that my height is not something I devote much thought to. Whenever there's a situation where my height is a negative factor, I simply look for a way to adapt to the circumstances and move on from there. But this lawn tractor issue has offended me more than usual. Perhaps it's because, in order to cover a remote legal liability, the designers of this lawn tractor have disinfranchised a whole class of people from using their product. Perhaps it's just strange that I'm too short to ride a lawn mower yet I'm tall enough to drive a car. Regardless, I can't help fantasizing about fighting back in that most American of ways: by suing the manufacturer!